If there is one image I refuse to have it is that of victim! I won't give the bastard narcissistic church that satisfaction!
However, today I added another condition to my list of "ills", it seems that all the medications that I have had to take have now pushed me into steroid induced diabetes!14 conditions in all now, life threatening, or life limiting!
I say "list" because usually that is how I see them! I don't dwell on them, I manage them, and I view them with an academic eye, fascinated by how this all occurs!
My colleague, Kim (who is probably the cleverest neuroscientist on the planet!) and I, study this stuff, we have talked for hours and hours figuring it all out, especially on our very long car journeys travelling up and down the country teaching!
I can usually be quite dispassionate about it, actually fascinated as I learn more, and becoming even more determined to pass that knowlege on to others. I do, however, get very angry when all of the life damaging effects of childhood abuse are so underestimated, and even dismissed.
Recently, I seem to be getting more an more "friend requests" from other survivors of abuse, which is lovely. Perhaps they are surprised that I don't seem to spend lot of time talking about that particular issue, choosing instead to contribute in my own way.
We mostly have wanted understanding, justice, revenge, compassion, contrition, compensation, and we sometimes use up all our very depleted energy chasing after the narcissists that have destroyed so much of our lives. Once again, done that too!
And it has been so necessary for groups of brave and dogged survivors to go into battle with the criminals that continue to evade justice while wearing their hypocritical sanctimonious masks. We have sometimes been at the forefront of those battles, and we owe a lot to those who still make that battle their mission.
But for me there is still a gaping hole in the knowlege of what that actually means to survivors, the real consequences of those criminal acts, and the severity of damage done. How people who have been abused have those "lists".
I am sometimes accused of going into it all in too much depth!
When we teach our "Battle of the abused brain " workshop, we go into the damage done to the brain, and to the immune system, and even how, through epigenetic changes that damage can be passed on to the next generation and the next...
I always want to know WHY things happen!
because it is only with a full knowlege of something that we can look for effective solutions. So I make no apology for those depths!
As I continue to "collect" conditions to add to my "list", and at other survivors who are battling life threatening illnesses, I can see the patterns so much more clearly, why the early onset of conditions, why the cancers, the MS, the chronic pain, the addictions, the shortened life span. And it can break my heart to think that damage done to us, could be passed on to our children and grandchildren, even when "watered down" by their other genetic influences, and in my case, the diligence of my daughters making sure their children are thriving and protected.
To spotlight this severity has become my mission and my passion. I can very easily get excited when we explore even more! I feel less like a victim, and more empowered, like a prize fighter!
But sometimes, I am ashamed to admit, I feel a little sorry for myself! like today, as I contemplate the next medication, the changes I must make It feels like what I actually want is for someone to wrap a metaphoric warm blanket around me and say "There there, you will be alright " !
So if you can send me lots of virtual hugs I will be ok! I am feeling a bit vulnerable, in need a lot of TLC and kindness, (but maybe not chocolate !) and then with renewed determination, I can dust myself off and go back into battle, in my own way, against the evil bastards who have caused so much destruction.