Name of the father!

I watched with admiration as two  of the clergy abuse survivors in America confronted their  abuser and told him how they  felt. 
I wished I  had the chance to do that, but the slimy bastard died before I could! 
So I decided to write a letter to him, and to all of the other predators who seem to think that a quick visit to the confessional and a half hearted apology is all that is needed! 
How dare they trivialise these horrendous crimes, negate what damage they caused! How dare they be still walking free!! So here we go!

Dear “Father”, 

                      How utterly ridiculous  it is to start a letter to you in this way. The word“Dear”suggests something"precious",”beloved”,"cherished",
"valued"-  hardly the way I would see you! 

“Father”, that  word also has  lots of connotations, most of them benign, "good", "guiding", "responsible", "safe", "honourable",dependable,  caring, strong. 
None of these things apply to you!

A "Father" should be someone guiding you towards maturity, protecting you from harm until you are  able to do it yourself! Not you!! 

You absolutely  do not deserve to use that title! 

     
It is long past time that you heard  the true nature of your behaviour, the extent of your abuses, how what may have seemed small to you, and even  insignificant at the time, reaches  across the years, polluting   thousands of  people's lives and damages them irreparably .

           
I am going to attempt  and talk to you with a degree of compassion, although I am finding it practically  impossible to actually feel compassion for you. But  it would demean me even further if I can’t at least attempt to retain some element  of dignity and humanity. 
I don’t know if that is even possible, you left me with very little ability in that direction, in fact you made me into an alien in this world that  I so badly wanted to belong in, something I don’t believe I was ever intended to be.

         
I am told it is great that I have managed to transform my pain into something positive for others, well I am happy for that but it is surely the  “law of unintended consequences,” there was very little choice.

    
You even managed to die without ever facing the consequences of your actions!  or allowing  me the opportunity of making you listen to what you are responsible for. 

You left behind a damaged frightened human being who has spent her entire life trying to get over your violation. And now at the age of 71, facing the latter stage of my life, you are still in my nightmares.

  
To say I am angry is an understatement, but I try  not to allow that destructive emotion to cripple me further, I know that sustained anger is injurious, and I have had enough injury and insult for one lifetime.

      
I want you to think back to over  sixty  years ago. Difficult to remember that far back? Well it isn’t difficult for me, I have those times imprinted on my memory, they have coloured my entire life So think back “Father”, remember what you did.

    
Do you even remember me? perhaps I was just  one of many? how many other children have  suffered at your hands? I certainly am not special, I was not the prettiest, or the most grown up, I wasn’t the love of your life! I was just  a frightened little girl!

      
You knew all about me though, didn’t you? Of course you did, you were doted on by my priest obsessed Mother and her sisters, you must have been used to that kind of adulation, in those days  it was what a priest could expect from these devout, deluded catholic women. 

     Did you laugh at them? at us? Did you joke with your fellow clergy about your luck? Did you ever tell them what you did? with  a child in her bedroom as she cried? Did you boast? 

       
Or was it your dirty sordid little secret? Did it make you feel attractive, like a man?. Or was it even less significant to you, an unimportant little girl, and  the drunken fumblings of a fat sweaty, hypocrite. Perhaps you believed that it was your right! Maybe you thought that along with your office came a few perks!

      
Did you lie awake and remember what you had done? Did you have ANY sleepless nights? Or did remembering it  it give you more sexual pleasure? Perhaps you were planning your next move? 

       
Did you go to confession? Did you ask forgiveness from the God you represent?  I can’t imagine you did, because you weren’t sorry were you? you did it again!

      Or did you pretend it hadn’t happened, did you hide behind your collar  like the rest of the cowards in your church, and carry on with your abuses?

       
When did it start? did you always have sexual feelings towards little girls? maybe little boys too?

 Did you go into the priesthood to hide? Or did you go because you  knew that there would be so many more opportunities.You knew  that there would be more vulnerable children? did you go to where there was a ready supply of your prey?

And surely you must have known that you would be protected? that your Church would cover up your crimes and look after you.They did, after all tell you that you had been "chosen" by your god, ontologically changed at ordination, and quite untouchable. 

So when I was struggling to survive, tearing my skin apart and self harming, eating and throwing up, drinking to oblivion, where were you? 

Were you baptising babies? Maybe you were seeing them as future prey? How young did you like us? 

Were you conducting marriages? giving couples those pre -marriage "instructions" telling them of the sanctity of their  vows? 
Did you give a thought to those who may be going to their marriage beds, already violated and ashamed at your hands? 
Maybe you envied them their sexual freedom, maybe bemoaning your enforced celibacy? 

But you weren't celibate were you? you gratified your urges by defiling children, did you think that didn't count?

Were you ministering at the beds of the dying? hearing their last desperate guilty pleas for mercy from the god you pretend to represent? Did you dare to give them final absolution?

And what about all those "Hell Fire and damnation sermons! What a buzz you must have got from such power! threatening  children that you had abused with the prospects  of Hell!

Were you hearing people' "confessions" did that  make you feel superior? Were you handing out penances with impunity? What kind of penance did you consider was appropriate for a pedophile? three "Hail Mary's"

Did you visit schools? I bet you bloody did! 

Did you get an erection when you blessed  the little girls in their white dresses as they made their first communion?
 What were you actually doing behind the grill as you heard little boys confess to their "unclean thoughts"?

And then when your narcissistic church called survivors "liars" did you join in the cry? Did you watch as they used their vast wealth and power to abuse us further, knowing you would be safe?


Did you count the money in the offertory boxes, marvelling at your luck at having  all your crimes protected and then getting paid by the flock of sheep you pretended to care for?

And when our mental, emotional and physical wellbeing deteriorated, did you ever acknowlege that YOU, along with your protectors were the authors of that decline ?
Do you KNOW that your abuses cause brain damage, life threatening conditions, shortened life spans? Do you even connect the dots when you are told of the suicides that are a result of your crimes.

And then you  have the audacity to ask for our "forgiveness", and  blame or even pity us when we are unable to do that!

You and your church sicken me and revolt me "Father" and I do  NOT forgive any of you, and will fight until my dying breath to see you all pay for your crimes against humanity! RIP!

A change indeed!

The old blood is boiling again today! It seems to be in a constant simmer  when I hear about the hypocritical meanderings of the pope and his minions!

I've done the appalling abusive confessional, (that great grooming parlour) , I think I have done being told as a child to pray for  a cousin to die because he was going to marry a "divorcee"
I have done talking about the priests considering they have "sacred hands" (WTF!) 

What is getting me hot under the collar today is "Ontological change" and for those of you that were fortunate enough  NOT to grow up in this fear driven superstitious power abusive narcissistic regime which is the catholic church; "Ontological change" is what happens to a priest at ordination.Yes! folks he actually changes his being!

Not enough for them to be changing bread and wine into body and blood , but the priest changes his being at ordination! 

They suggest it is a sort of "holy metamorphosis", but I am more inclined to see it as a mutation!

After all, they do take a bunch of inadequates and turn them into demi- gods, telling them they are "chosen by god" and are far and away above other mortals. Then they let these creeps loose onto the unsuspecting flock they are to tend, where they make enormous changes of their very own!




They changed me from an innocent child into terrified, guilt ridden alien, a raging creature  who no longer felt she belonged anywhere. 
They changed the trajectory of my life, and even gave me brain damage, damage to my immune and other systems, a shortened life span and they did that to hundreds of thousands of other children like me.

They gave me a distorted view of the world and it's inhabitants! They changed the rules to suit themselves, and changed the facts to cover their crimes.

Not satisfied with that, they gave me epigenetic changes which may well be passed to my children and grandchildren!

They changed alright, they changed from depraved predators to revered and protected untouchables.

There is now a desperate need for a change of another kind! To bring them and their protectors to justice and to MAKE AMENDS for all the cruel and criminal changes they have inflicted!  

I think there are two faces of "me"! 
It might be argued that there are many more! But for the time being I am just thinking about the two that fight!!

On the one hand, there is the wife the Mother the Grandmother, the therapist, the teacher, the activist and recovery banner waver, the person who wants to be the best version of me I can be, and to heal the world! 

And the other is one who wants to burn it down!
The one who would like to see all  predatory priests castrated (without anaesthetic!) and locked away for life, who  would like to see the pope and all his minions doing a life sentence of hard labour, cold and hungry and neglected. Giving back all their ill gotten gains and compensating ALL of their victims properly for  destroyed lives.

The one who has always said that if I knew I didn't have much longer to live,  I would go immediately to the church that spawned all my nightmares and terrors, in the arse end of Lincolnshire,  and set fire to it! 

I would go to where my ex husband imagines  he is well hidden, and break his jaw! (not a lot ask after all the beatings he gave me!)

This  one  still has a loud  primal scream inside her!


I love this old Cherokee anecdote about the two wolves. I will keep on trying to feed the one that is the BEST version of me, because I fear if the other one takes over all hell would break loose!
(But perhaps it is OK to have a little of both!!)