The Second Wound

In 2010, I publicly came out as a survivor of childhood clergy abuse. I made the rallying speech at the protest against the Pope's visit to Britain, standing before some 20,000 people. I travelled to Rome to join other survivors in protest, and became involved in uncovering more of the abuse that had remained hidden for so long.

It was an extraordinary time in my life. Painful, certainly, but also empowering. After years of silence, I had found my voice, and I was determined to use it.

What I hadn't anticipated was the price I would pay within my own family.

Some people I had grown up with, shared my history with, and loved all my life simply turned thwir back on me . 

One said it should all have been dealt with years ago. Some were embarrassed; another thought it was "unfair" that I had spoken out when both the perpetrator and my mother had died and were no longer there to defend themselves.I had purposefully not dealt with this openly when she was alive; she would have been terribly hurt.

I found those reactions almost unbearably painful.

I had expected resistance from the institution I was challenging. I hadn't expected to lose people I loved.

There is something particularly cruel about that second wound. The original abuse had already taken so much, but speaking about it cost me relationships that had been part of the fabric of my life.

Sixteen years have passed.

Recently, another family member has made a gentle attempt to heal the rift, and initially I was delighted. I wanted to believe that we might find our way back to one another. After all, these are people I loved, people who shared my childhood and so many memories.

But as the possibility of meeting has drawn nearer, I have found myself becoming increasingly reluctant. In fact, I have realised that I simply cannot do it.

Not because I am angry. Not because I want to punish anyone. But because I am afraid of being hurt like that again.

And there is something else.

We cannot go back to what we were.

There is a very large elephant in the room. I don't want to revisit the abuse, rehearse the arguments or ask anyone to account for what they said sixteen years ago. But neither can I pretend that none of it happened.

I have spent much of my life encouraging people to face painful truths, to find their voices and to move forward. Perhaps I need to recognise that moving forward doesn't always mean going back.

I can miss those relationships without wanting to resume them. I can treasure the memories without pretending that the intervening years haven't changed things.

And I can acknowledge that the people involved may have changed, just as I have, without feeling obliged to put myself in a position where I might be wounded again.

I think there is a particular sadness in grieving people who are still alive. There is no funeral, no final goodbye, just an absence where something precious used to be.

Perhaps reconciliation will be possible one day. Perhaps it won't.

For now, I think I have to accept that some things cannot be restored to what they once were.

We can forgive without forgetting. We can love without returning. And perhaps we can find peace without reconciliation.

Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for ourselves is to leave a door slightly ajar, without feeling obliged to walk through it.

 

We Keep Fixing the Top of the Tower!

There is something that has frustrated me for decades, and the longer I work in the fields of addiction, trauma and childhood abuse, the more convinced I become that we are often looking in the wrong place.

I have used the analogy of an iceberg, where the visible behaviour is merely the tip, and more recently, that of a wobbly tower struggling to remain upright in a hurricane.

Both illustrate the same principle.

We spend an enormous amount of time trying to fix what we can see, while paying far too little attention to what lies underneath.

In addiction, we concentrate on stopping the drinking, the drug use, the destructive behaviour. In the aftermath of childhood abuse, including clergy abuse, we often concentrate on the emotional and psychological consequences, the distress, the behaviour, the difficulties people experience in later life.

Of course, these things matter enormously. But they are not the whole story.

What concerns me is how readily we separate the psychological from the physical, as though our experiences happen somewhere outside our biology.

They don't!

Everything we experience is processed through a living, physical organism. Our brains and nervous systems respond to our experiences. Repeated fear, overwhelming stress, abandonment and trauma can influence neural pathways, stress responses and the way we perceive and respond to the world.

These are not simply thoughts or feelings floating around in some mysterious psychological space. They involve real biological processes, and some of the changes can be remarkably persistent.

My studies of neuroscience, long-term potentiation and epigenetics have only strengthened my conviction that we must take these physical processes seriously.

And yet, so often, we seem determined to begin at the top!

We try to change behaviour without adequately addressing the biological and developmental foundations upon which that behaviour rests.

It is rather like trying to stabilise a tower in a hurricane by repairing the windows, straightening the roof and painting the walls.

It might look better for a while, but the tower is still wobbling!

Surely we should be examining the foundations?

This is why I have become so interested in looking at the progression from physics to chemistry, from chemistry to biology, and from biology to behaviour.

Not because behaviour is unimportant, or because counselling and psychological therapies have no value. Far from it.

But because human beings are whole organisms, and we cannot sensibly separate their thoughts, emotions, physical responses and experiences into unrelated compartments.

The same principle applies to the consequences of clergy abuse. We can talk endlessly about psychological harm, apologies, compensation and institutional responses, all of which have their place. But do we really understand the depth of what prolonged fear, betrayal and trauma can do to a developing human being?

And are we doing enough to address those consequences?

I sometimes wonder whether focusing on what is immediately visible is simply easier. Behaviour can be observed, measured and managed. The deeper processes are more complicated, less convenient and often require us to rethink our assumptions.

After more than fifty years in recovery myself, and decades of working with others, I am still asking the same question:

Why are we so determined to repair the top of the tower when the foundations are crying out for attention?

We cannot prevent every hurricane. Life will always bring storms.

But perhaps, if we paid more attention to strengthening the foundations, fewer people would have to spend their lives struggling simply to remain standing

Power of the people

 

Throughout history, it has been the people on the front line—the people at the coalface—who have brought about real and lasting change. Often neglected, ignored or exploited, they eventually reach a point where they can no longer wait for someone else to solve their problems. They take matters into their own hands.

Others may later join them, support them, and help them grow, but the passion, courage and determination come from those who are living the problem every single day.

Think of the enslaved people who created the Underground Railroad. Think of Rosa Parks and the countless ordinary men and women whose quiet acts of courage transformed the Civil Rights Movement. History remembers the famous names, but every great movement has depended on ordinary people deciding that enough is enough.

The same is true in addiction.

In 1935, two men who were considered "hopeless drunks" discovered something remarkable. By helping one another, and then carrying that message to others, they found hope themselves. They realised that recovery required profound personal change, and together they developed a programme of suggested steps to help others make that same journey.

They also made another extraordinary decision. They refused to become a professional organisation. They declined outside funding and government control, believing that independence would protect the movement and preserve its simple purpose: one alcoholic helping another.

There are certainly aspects of the programme that reflect the language and thinking of the 1930s, and some of its terminology feels dated today. But none of that should blind us to what it achieved. It was an inspired idea that has given hope to millions of people around the world and has undoubtedly saved countless lives. Some have tried to emulate the fellowship, but no one comes close!

I also think of Dr. Mutulu Shakur and the Black Panthers, who created the People's Drug Programmes and the "School of Common Sense" in the Bronx during the 1970s. They were born out of frustration with poverty, slum landlords, corrupt policing and the devastation caused by drugs within their own communities. They were created by the people, for the people, and they proved so effective that they threatened powerful interests. Eventually, they were dismantled by those who stood to lose financially and politically. Whether one agrees with every aspect of their politics is almost beside the point. Their work demonstrated what can happen when communities begin to believe in their own ability to solve their own problems.

I would like to think that, in our own small way at SMART-UK, we have tried to follow that same principle. We have always believed that lived experience is not an optional extra or a convenient slogan. It is a source of knowledge. It is expertise born of survival. It deserves to sit alongside science, research and professional practice—not beneath them. I keep coming back to the same belief: that people are not broken things waiting for experts to fix them. They have strengths, wisdom and resilience that can be nurtured, and when those strengths are connected with science, compassion and practical tools, extraordinary things happen.

The same lesson has been repeated throughout my life. I have seen it among people recovering from addiction. I have seen it among survivors of childhood abuse. Many organisations have grown around these movements, and some have done wonderful work. But the real power has always remained the same: people with shared experience reaching out to one another and saying, "You're not alone. I've walked this road too."

Perhaps that is the greatest lesson of all.

People are far more capable than they are often encouraged to believe. Institutions have an important place, but they can sometimes become absorbed by systems, funding and bureaucracy, gradually losing sight of the very people they were created to serve. The most enduring change often begins somewhere much simpler—with one human being helping another.

That idea has changed history more than once.

Perhaps it still can.

"Five Star " Welbeing Programme

     The "Five Star" Wellbeing Programme 

is the innovative vision of

Sue Cox OBE, Acupuncturist and Founder of SMART-UK, developed in partnership with the staff and men at HMP Holme House.

Drawing upon Neuroscience, Chinese medicine theory, and Lived experience, the programme offers a unique and transformative approach to wellbeing. It provides

participants with a deeper understanding of the human brain, behaviour, and emotional resilience, while equipping them with practical tools to support both themselves and those around them.

At its heart lies a simple but powerful belief: people are not defined by their difficulties. Every individual possesses strengths, abilities, and untapped potentialthat can be rediscovered and developed.

The programme is named "Five Star" to reflect the understanding that we are all made of stardust, that anything that is "Five star" is the best, and to honour the Chinese Five-element theory, which underpins much of Chinese thought.

Challenging Traditional Thinking

For too long, addiction has often been viewed through a lens of deficit and

dysfunction. The Five Star Wellbeing Programme offers a different perspective.

Rather than seeing addiction as evidence of a broken individual, we explore the

possibility that many of the traits associated with addictive behaviour are the

remnants of powerful human characteristics—determination, drive, persistence, risk-

taking, and an extraordinary capacity for achievement.

These qualities may once have been essential for survival. In today's fast-paced

world, they can become misdirected, but they remain strengths that can be

understood, harnessed, and redirected towards positive outcomes.

This strengths-based philosophy underpins everything we do.

How the Programme Began

For many years, Sue Cox taught auricular acupuncture to prison staff as part of

wellbeing and recovery initiatives.

When asked whether prisoners themselves could be trained to deliver acupuncture

treatments to their peers, practical considerations meant this was not a viable option.

However, the question sparked a new idea.

Why not teach prisoners the science behind the treatment? Why not share knowledge

about the brain, behaviour, emotional regulation, and wellbeing?

What began as a small educational project quickly evolved into something far greater.

Participants embraced the learning with enthusiasm, curiosity, and commitment. The

programme grew organically into a peer-led wellbeing model that empowers

individuals to support themselves while positively influencing the wellbeing of

others.

The "Five Star "Approach

The programme consists of two interconnected elements.

Education and Understanding

Participants are introduced to key concepts in neuroscience, emotional wellbeing,

human behaviour, and Chinese medicine theory. The focus is on helping individuals

understand how the brain works, how habits and behaviours develop, and how

practical techniques can improve wellbeing.

Knowledge becomes a tool for self-awareness, personal growth, and decision-

making.

"Five Star "Wellbeing Coaches

Participants can progress to become Five Star Wellbeing Coaches.

These peer-support roles provide opportunities to develop practical wellbeing skills,

including acupressure and other evidence-informed techniques, enabling participants

to support themselves and their peers.

The coaching model promotes responsibility, leadership, empathy, and positive social

connection—qualities that contribute to healthier prison communities and improved

individual wellbeing.

Empowerment Through Peer SupportOne of the programme's greatest strengths is its emphasis on empowerment.

Prisoners possess valuable lived experience, insight, and an understanding of the

challenges faced by those around them. They often communicate in ways that are

relatable, authentic, and trusted by their peers.

By recognising and developing these strengths, the programme creates opportunities

for individuals to become active contributors to wellbeing rather than passive

recipients of support.

Impact

The Five Star Wellbeing Programme continues to grow through reputation and word

of mouth.

Today, multiple prisons operate active coaching networks, with dozens of trained

wellbeing coaches supporting their peers and contributing positively to prison life.

Feedback from participants and staff consistently highlights increased confidence,

improved well-being, stronger social connections, and a renewed sense of purpose.

The programme does not claim to be a miracle cure. There is no single solution to the

complex challenges surrounding addiction, trauma, and recovery.

What it does offer is something equally important: knowledge, hope, practical skills,

and the opportunity for individuals to recognise their own value and potential.

Our Vision

The Five Star Wellbeing Programme is about more than wellbeing.

It is about changing the narrative.

It is about recognising that people are capable of growth, contribution, andtransformation.

Most importantly, it is about helping individuals discover that the qualities they once

believed were their greatest weaknesses, may in fact be their greatest strengths.

 Over many years in the “recovery” world, I have heard countless opinions, theories, and explanations. There has never been a shortage of “wise words”, and among them there are certainly some gems.

But when I look back at my own journey, “After all the theories, the debates, and the wise words, the truth is simple: it wasn’t ever the theories that lifted me out of the black hole. It was the “Heart connections”-those moments when one human being truly reaches another with understanding, compassion and shared humanity.
Words can point the way, but it is connections that pull us out of the mud.

In my addiction, it was connection with other addicts who understood the language of that struggle.
In surviving abuse, it was connection with other survivors who shared the same wounds and courage.
In my Buddhist practice, it is connection with fellow practitioners walking the path together.
And in my Chinese medicine practice, it is connection with colleagues and patients through the shared intention of healing.
Again and again, across different parts of my life, I have discovered the same truth: healing does not happen in isolation. It happens through connection — through meeting others in honesty, compassion, and shared humanity.

Hi All,

After more than 25 years of teaching and working with remarkable people, I continue to learn every day—especially from those in the NHS and Prison system. Their dedication and resilience have truly enriched my life.

Any assumptions I might have held quickly disappeared once I saw the immense challenges these professionals face daily. Despite tough situations, they show incredible professionalism, humour, and compassion, and I remain in awe of their strength.

Yet, the demands of their roles come at a cost. The stress they endure can impact their health, relationships, and wellbeing, and some statistics about their life expectancy are deeply concerning. Many bear these burdens in silence.

Over the years, my respect for them has only grown, as has my concern for their self-care. Too often, those who support others don’t prioritise their own needs, so I try to encourage them to seek help and look after themselves.

While I rarely make specific recommendations, I wholeheartedly endorse Adam Walker, who specialises in men’s mental health. He is passionate about supporting those in demanding roles and offers special rates for our community.

If things feel tough for you or someone you know, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Adam is approachable and happy to answer questions, whether through his website or a phone call. Taking that first step can make a real difference. Here’s the link!

With respect and warmest wishes,

Sue Cox OBE

Adam Walker:

"Working in high-stress environments like the prison service can take a toll—mentally and emotionally. I offer a safe, confidential space for men to explore stress, anxiety, and pressure without judgment. Therapy can help you make sense of what you're carrying and reconnect with yourself.If you're considering therapy or not, you're welcome to get in touch with any questions or to arrange a free 30-minute call. There’s no pressure to commit. Sometimes, the first step is just starting the conversation.

Website - https://balancedbridgetherapy.co.uk/

Blog - https://balancedbridgetherapy.co.uk/.../why-dont-more.../

Happy to chat through when you're ready.

Regards

Adam

balancedbridgetherapy.co.uk

Why Don’t More Men Go to Therapy – And Why That Needs to Change

OBE!!

 It has been a while since I wrote anything, I have been so busy! But I couldn't not write about this amazing experience at Windsor Castle!

I am unbelievably proud to have been given an OBE in the King's birthday honours list, and the experience of going to the castle to receive it from Prince William was surreal.

He was absolutely charming, a real "Prince Charming" who was really interested and asked lots of questions that made sense!

I am still a bit overwhelmed with it all, and not sure if I am making any sense! It seems odd to get an award for something you love doing, like being given a box of chocolates and then getting an award for eating them!

That said, I hope my writing urge will get moving again, there is always so much to say about the addiction world and the survivor world too! I have it in mind to record a few thoughts on video, hope that doesn't sound too pretentious!

In the meantime, here's the video of the Investiture, what a memory!

BAFTA!!

 I was so proud of my daughter Siobhan and her school when they made the channel four documentary "The school that tried to end racism" But now they've only gone and won a bloody BAFTA!!!

Congratulations

!!!!!

The Hidden Superpower of Addiction

The Hidden Superpower of Addiction!

My new book is out now!!

"The Hidden Superpower of Addiction" is a culmination of forty-odd years of practice,  study, teaching, researching, and most of all recovery and transformation. I don't say "I believe that addicts have incredible skills and abilities, because that is in itself condescending! I KNOW they have! So in this book, I want to show the reasons why addicts aren't defective or sick or broken but are simply wired in a different way! and born in the wrong century! 

More than anything it is a way of looking at how we can transform those brilliant innate skills and transform them into something amazing! 

It is available from me at suecox@smart-uk.com or any of the usual bookie-type places! Here are some links

The Amazon link is this :

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Hidden-Super-Power-Addiction-celebration/dp/1913460312/ref=sr_1_1?crid=ZU4YH8R1OQRL&dchild=1&keywords=sue+cox&qid=1618508280&s=books&sprefix=sue+cox,stripbooks,147&sr=1-1 

Waterstones one is this: https://www.waterstones.com/book/the-hidden-super-power-of-addiction/sue-cox/9781913460310 

Foyles is:

https://www.foyles.co.uk/witem/health-wellbeing/the-hidden-super-power-of-addiction-eas,sue-cox-9781913460310 

Imagine the power!

                                     

    When I first went into "recovery" several hundred years ago, I was taken to an AA convention down on the South coast at  Selsea . I remember sitting in the ballroom, seeing this endless sea of faces. Someone said, "Imagine if all this lot went back on the piss together, Selsea would be wiped off the face of the earth"!  We all laughed, because we knew the truth of it, and what that image would look like! and in recovery, despite the seriousness of that thought, we had learned to laugh at ourselves! 

Today I was thinking of that time when someone asked "What my new book was about"? And I thought, "Imagine if all this lot, everyone with this exceptional wiring, could get into recovery, and on to restoration to reach there true and brilliant potential, what THAT would do to the face of the earth! What a lot of untapped potential and power! 

Empowerment begins when we see that we are not "hopeless" we are not broken or sick, mad or bad, we don't have an "illness" or a moral or intellectual weakness, we are simply wired in a different way. Left to its own devices that wiring can be unimaginably destructive, but if we can recognise it, and transform it, it can be unbelievably powerful.

That is what it is about!   

Sue Cox Survivor -alternative to channel four!